I FAILED IMPROV

and a lesson in sunk cost fallacy

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Goodbye dingy, grey carpeted flooring that I spilled coffee on (twice). Goodbye little moths polka dotting the fluorescent overhead lights. Goodbye bathroom toilets that took 20 seconds to flush and goodbye hand dryer that took another 20 seconds to turn on. And most importantly, goodbye weekly self-humiliation ritual.

In May, I failed improv. That’s politically incorrect, the school would probably prefer me to say "I didn’t move onto the next level of improv” or “I am still on my beginner improv journey…” Except I’m no longer on my improv journey. I’ve quit. Months ago. This was a silent failure. If you followed me on other social media platforms, you’d know that I once peppered in references to going to improv and then one day, I stopped. Poof.

This is not my attempt at rewriting history. I know I’ve talked about improv positively before, but I’ve come to the conclusion — after months of self-reflection — that I was lying to myself to make myself feel better for having spent hundreds of dollars and 42 combined hours into this activity.

Transparently, I wanted to quit the first week when I realized that the improv acting style is antithetical to the way I’ve been taught to act. I tried writing out what this means exactly, but I’m afraid of sounding pretentious. I’ll summarize the experience as this: I went to a Meisner conservatory and had a teacher on the same wavelength as J.K. Simmons’ character in Whiplash, bald head and all. And he’d probably say something like, “Acting is NOT about audience validation, acting is about TRUTH.”

I wanted to quit the second week, when a woman in my class, who paid no real interest to me before, found my Instagram profile and then started sitting next to me and suggesting that we should make content together.

I wanted to quit the third week, when I figured it would be a Herculean-task-beyond-my-capability to impress this teacher, who ran the room like a Navy battleship and rarely gave any positive feedback. (He was also bald.) Two people had quit by now and it was starting to affect the spirit of the room. Getting someone to volunteer to go first was like pulling teeth. Every break consisted of us gabbing about whether or not we think we’d pass. After all, we were told only half of us probably would.

I’ve dealt with negative feedback and strict teachers my whole life. Bless her, but my Russian piano teacher, who I studied hard under for 12 years, had nothing but the highest expectations for me. My mom was her assistant coach, and I still can remember the TAP, TAP, TAP of her chopstick on our piano as I struggled to find the rhythm. I’d scream and cry and the TAP, TAP, TAP still continued…

At the conservatory, J.K. Simmons regularly caused mental breakdowns. One time, he left at the beginning of class because the pair that had gone up were so “unprepared,” that it literally offended him.

I’m tough, but I felt lied to in THIS space. Improv was supposed to be freeing, and fun, and cringy, and ZIP-ZAP-ZOP. Instead, I felt like a performing jester, and one wrong move to displease my king would put be in the stocks.

I don’t want to give the impression that I was mentally checked out. No, if anything, I tried extremely hard. I put my acting notebooks back on their shelves and “embraced the process.” If my teacher wanted me to do a weird voice, I’d do the weird voice. If my teacher wanted me to roll on the floor. Down, I’d go. I squawked, I groaned, I did accents (poorly), I flung my body around Exorcist-style… I did things I didn’t even know my body and voice could do. The mentality was: I wasn’t going to continue onto the next level of the school, but I’d finished this one with a bang.

So when I was pulled into evaluation on the last day of class, my heart sank a bit when he said I just ‘wasn’t ready.’ There wasn’t much elaboration beyond that, only that I could ‘benefit from retaking’ (and they would benefit from me repaying the tuition fee, I’m sure). As some sort of consolation prize, he mentioned to another teacher who sat in on the eval, that he saw me at a coffee shop a few weeks ago and I was wearing a cool hat.

“She had this sailor outfit on or something.”

“Oh wow.”

I stared blankly at the pair of them. Then, said my thanks and my goodbyes. For better or worse, I didn’t argue. I went with the rest of the class to lunch as a show of goodwill. I think they’re all nice people and have nothing against any of them (even the one who found my Instagram.) At the end of the day, it’s show business and we’ve all been dealt some pretty short straws to have been shackled up in this place altogether. I wasn’t hungry but I ordered a burger. I listened to their complaints, their exclamations at the injustice of it all, as I swirled my fry around and around in gloopy. oversalted mayo.

I’ve been thinking about sunk cost fallacy lately aka “our tendency to follow through with something that we’ve already invested heavily in (be it time, money, effort, or emotional energy), even when giving up is clearly a better idea.”

For the duration of the six weeks of this program, Chase kept telling me to quit.

“You’re wasting time if you’re not having fun.”

He was right, but I kept thinking that maybe some form of enlightenment would reach me at the end. There had to be a lesson after all this. Suffering begets something, right? Maybe the lesson was that I actually could make my voice sound like Mickey Mouse if I was put on the spot. Maybe it was that I should’ve had the foresight to bring my own snacks so I wouldn’t have to buy crumbly, desert-dry croissants during breaks to tide me over.

Maybe the lesson was, I should’ve quit after the first week.

Two of the books on this list are selections from Book of the Month, a monthly book subscription service. They’ve carefully curated a roster of books for you to choose from, either in hardback or audiobook format, and if there’s nothing that catches your eye for the month, you can skip the month and you won’t be charged :-). I also love their Reader’s Guarantee, which means that if you purchase a book from them and don’t like it, they’ll replace it for free in the next month’s box. There’s also a loyalty program, so you can start saving after just three boxes!

⭐️ Use my link to get your first book for $5 plus a free hat using code JACKET. ⭐️

Yes, the hat is also from BOTM :’)

• Discontent by Beatriz Serrano — Sent over to me via Book of the Month. It’s about a corporate advertising worker, Marisa, who becomes overtaken with a bout of existentialism, leading her to start hiding from her coworkers and taking absurdly long lunch breaks. She’s then forced to attend a company retreat, where things begin to crack. I’m excited! It seems like something I deeply need to read right now, as I’ve been struggling to figure out my own work/life balance. Will let you know how it pans out!

• The Long Walk — I’m VERY excited about this movie. It’s an adaptation from one of Stephen King’s first novels, a novel so old that he actually published it under his pseudonym, Richard Bachman. I read this book years ago and to this day, it’s my favorite Stephen King novel. I’ve tracked the adaptation progress for some time now; the first time someone wanted to develop it was in the EIGHTIES. At the same time, I’m not surprised it’s taken awhile because the novel is… very bleak. (To give you a sense — I discovered it on a list of “things to read if you enjoyed Squid Game.”) The plot makes little logical sense, which is the point, & the amount of death and carnage that wrecks this book is no joke. I’m interested to see how faithful they remain in the adaptation.

• Play Nice by Rachel Harrison — Another BOTM pick. This one’s a horror, and so, perfect Fall-time reading. Influencer-stylist Clio Barnes lives a glamorous life, but her past is not as picture-perfect. Her mother, Alex, lost custody of her and her sisters after going crazy. The reason? Alex claimed the house they lived in was possessed. Now, Alex has passed away suddenly and Clio and her sisters must figure out what to do with the house…

• The History of Sound — I mean, come on… historical gay drama that takes place in 1920 ❤️ ❤️ Josh O’Connor… ❤️ ❤️ Paul Mescal is alright too… And look, cigarettes look lame / are bad unless Josh O’Connor is smoking them… Maybe I will do a small costume review for you guys on here once the movie becomes more publicly available? It’s been awhile since I’ve dusted off my fashion history books, and the promo pictures looks promising. Ugh, this one is gonna be big for me already, I can tell.

• Les Miserables by Victor Hugo — I mentioned before in a TikTok video that I was going to start reading this mammoth, and then I made it past the guillotine monologue (I’m gonna say this was on page like… 20 out of 1000) and THEN of-course my e-reader’s screen CRACKED so now I’m waiting on a replacement. It’s fine… I feel like Les Mis is a more wintry read anyway… the tuberculosis vibes can hit stronger under these circumstances (Though at this rate, we won’t be finished until Springtime anyway ugh...)

• A secret book that I’m thinking of choosing for October’s book club pick… 😈

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Until next time,

Mina 🕊️